WARNING: JOURNAL MAY CONTAIN HAPPINESS

While winter seemed to just linger on far into the April days, I knew I could count on the sun to come out on my birthday, like always.

Today was a very good day. In itself nothing out of the ordinary, yet something I haven't quite had in a long time.
I haven't been thinking too much about my birthday; in fact, the day before I stayed up untill 6 in the morning to work on a website. Of course this makes me exhausted today but at least now I can go to bed before 12.

Basically what I wanted for today was to just have some time for myself. No one was around in the house anyway, so I could just be with my own thoughts. Because I went to bed so late (or rather early) I had overslept and missed the arrival of a package that I have been waiting 5 weeks for now. On top of that they're going to charge me an extra 18 Euros before I can recieve it. I hate the mail!
Luckily I did get the game I ordered, which was a gift from my mom.

Around 4 in the afternoon my grandparents showed up and congatulated my like family does and I ended up going with them to my uncle's place at the lake for a little after birthday party (his birthday was on the 24th). Lots of fun and amazing weather!


I was thinking today, about how I usually spend my birthdays and how today felt completely unlike them but I came to the conclusion that I am truely happy.
I may not always sound too happy in these here journals, and sure I do have a ton of problems that demand a lot of energy I don't have, but it is true: I am truely happy.
Happy to be with myself, happy to have a creative mind, happy to have a better insight on life and people than most others, happy to have an amazing girlfriend who I, over time, will be with forever. Happy to have the best, best friend around to laugh with. Happy to be able to see my mom without having to think about all the crap in the past that kept her from being just that: a mom.

I have been saying it all along: what I need is sunshine and warmth to give me this strength. Winter is just a little life-drainer that needs to crawl away into a corner and die (without upsetting the natural balance of the ecosystem better yet, I'll just move somewhere that doesn't have cold winters...like Florida! n_n ).

From here on starts my time of the year. And I will be happy

The first two weeks of the last semester are now behind me. I didn't think I'd be up for school again after weeks of trying to catch a break, but I made myself go back anyway and it went pretty well.
Things haven't changed much around me of course, but with my newly found attitude on the situation, I have found that it is easier to cope with what would have otherwise nailed me to the ground.

What I need to do now, in order to still graduate, is catch up on a lot of work (but not all) that I have missed during the previous semester, as well as work hard on the projects of the current semester.
I've never been able to work with schedules before, but I have to say that now that I plan ahead, things seem to be going much better. I do get distracted a lot though, and I still feel the urge to escape and do more relaxing things, but it is to say things are moving in the right direction again.

I have my worries about certain assignments, but for the most part I just focus on doing my work the best I can, and to learn from it, rather than thinking in grades and diplomas. In doing so I am completely blocking out the people around me, but there are some assignments that I will have to do with others in my group. Needless to say, communication is bad between us.

I still take the occasional design job, and it is a lot of fun. The closer I get to graduating/not graduating, the closer I am to starting life as a freelance graphics- and webdesigner. I'll actually earn money for my work soon, I can't wait.

For my birthday, which is this week (April 25), I hope to get a good camera so I can start taking photos again as well. It's like a huge part of my life is missing without it and I'd like it back please. Of course the ultimate gift would still be to be with my love.

For now, I shall rest, for I am tired and I have not been taking good care lately. I'm going to need all my strength for everything.

Let me know what is new with you . I hate the silence I have left here.

After about 5 weeks of not attending to school I have decided it was time I had enough. Even though my condition has not improved during this time, I have no choice but to get over myself and tackle this thing. It's only about 5 more weeks of school before graduation so this is pretty much my only chance to catch up on things and still make it.

I have called up my student councelor who has offered me one last chance to get work done. In order to take this oppertunity I had to talk to my doctor and get him to write out a note declaring that I am currently under treatment of some kind.
There were some mistakes made there, but after talking to another student councelor in school I was allowed to take up on this last chance afterall.

The deal was a reduced workload and extra time to work on the projects during this Summer vacation. If I plan this right and work hard on restoring my natural rhytm then I may be able to graduate a little later than the others in my year.
This be good news I suppose.
Unfortunately for me, my condition is pretty much the same as it was weeks ago, and I am still very, very tired.

Right now I am taking things easy and am working on my own personal website. For once, I am actually happy, and satisfied with the results of my creation and I hope to have it online in the very near future.

The weather here is finally starting to improve! We still had some half-frost in the mornings (It's April for the love of cats! T__T; ) but today's afternoon felt a lot warmer and the sun has been shining more too.
I'm looking forward to the Summer and taking pictures again. That should give me some new strength.



--Ray

Wow, I can't believe how fast the weeks are flying by. I guess this would be a good time for an update.
I'm afraid it's not a very happy one again, but this is just the way things are and I wish they were different.

The thing is, being back in school is bringing back a whole lot of problems that I had finally overcome. Nightmares are back, sleep paralysis is back, twisted day/night rhythm is back, anxiety is back. I find myself paralyzed with anxiety every day and before I start to panic I just try to do something to put my mind at ease. Usually this involves avoiding responibilities.
It's not just the above, it's also a matter of self control and right now, I just don't have that.

The worst that could happen though is not graduating college. Part of me doesn't even care about that anymore, but things tend to drag on when you're in the middle of something unpleasant.
Of course I still see the relevance of having a diploma, but it's just not worth all this pain and misery, it just isnt.

I'm not sure what to do next. I keep saying I'll do my best but I'm not buying that myself. Every day I feel this numbing anxiety and I end up behind the computer 'till 4 in the morning.

I have been thinking about finding some help again, but the only thing I could tell them is "see, it's school that's causing all this".

I'm just so ready to get over this and start actual life. Don't you ever feel that way? That you've just been doing these things but never actually been happy about it? That's not the kind of life I want and certainly don't deserve.
This diploma isn't going to save me; being happy IS...

...to come back and write about what happened.

When starting a journal, I always try my best to meet certain criteria. I try to avoid unnecesary drama, add plenty of humor and yet be serious enough to start a discussion or simply be informative. I want to refrain from coming off like someone who always complains, but rather somehow involve you and rekindle that little fire we called "friendship". It is indeed never that easy.

My 3 year dA-anniversary is coming up pretty soon. Most of you know the day I signed up here was the start of a whole new era for me. The most important thing of course being that I met the love of my life that day, and we are still together (as together as you can be when seperated by more water than one can drink) even today.

I guess I mentioned in my last journal that I was going to see her again in January, by having her stay with me for a few weeks. Unfortunately for the both of us her ailment got a lot worse all of a sudden so she had to cancel the trip just 1 day before she was going to be on the plane to Holland.
Most depressing I'm sure you can imagine; but in the end it was for the better. I hope to see her this Summer instead, though the chances of that happening are pretty slim.


As for work/school; I finished up my 90 days of internschip, which went really well and I hope to go back there very soon.
On my last day I had one final meeting with this company about the logo I designed for them and after some talk they managed to make a choice and made a deal with us. I will of course be compensated for this soon which gives me a great sense of satisfaction. Unlike getting a C at school for just about everything you do, doing work for actual human beings is actually rewarding and it really motivates and lifts your spirits. In that sense, going back to school is awful.

We did our old "introduction" thing at school again today and my God, I just never get used to that. I absolutely hate what they always make us do, and I would for once like to be treated like the 30 year old, stuck in a semi-ugly 22 year old's body, I feel I am...

Long story short: I am not happy about being back in school and just hope to Mike that I will get through these last months fast enough so I can leave this period of hell behind me and get on with my life the way the Script intended to. **René takes deep breath and sips from his coffee. Sally exits stage right**


Okay good, I feel a bit more loose now that I got that out of my system. As you have probably noticed, I haven't been doing a lot of photography, or really anything "art" related in a long while and I honestly can't tell you when I'll have something to show again.
It'll come back to me I'm sure though. Just need to get through this lame winter-depression, which by the way, doesn't really live up to it's name.

Right now I'm really missing the connection I had with my friends here more so than I do creating things, but I must admit I haven't done much to keep either alive.
I just created some distance for whatever reason I can't remember and it's very difficult to get back to it. The distance doesn't make it much easier; I just really need people like some of you around me, rather than in the form of the occasional message (which is of course nobodies fault).

It is of course very presumtuous to think that my lack of activity here is causing things to spiral out of control, as there are many interesting people to see and talk to and I am just a speck in this dA-universe.
Regardless, I would like to humbly ask what my part is, or has been to you in the past, almost, 3 years of my being here. Was I a friend? Someone you just watched for laughs or serious talk? Did you just stay in the background but read every word I wrote, or looked at any picture I posted?
Have we lost what we had and is that something that can still be fixed? Are you still hoping for a certain something to happen? If so, what? Is there anything in particular you miss about me? Or were you glad I had finally shut up and seemingly dissapeared?

All fascination questions that have kept humanity busy since the early ages...>_>


For what it's worth: I am sorry for letting things slip...even if it isn't that big a deal when you look at the big picture. To me, it always has been a big deal, and I have only myself to blame.

I'm looking forward to hearing again from old friends and new friends alike. I hope you are doing well.